Where And Why

-
This is hard, like harder than I ever thought possible. What's weird is I know my priorities are backward, that I shouldn't feel how I do. I do though and that is the part that kills.

Losing you was the start of a slide I couldn't stop. It's Ok because I don't blame you, should have known better and protected you better. i failed you so I guess I had it coming. Maybe not to lose everything, that stung. But doesn't matter now the way forward would be clear for us, not that you will ever see this because why should you care?

We could be together now, in my head I've had this conversation a thousand times. But then flashes of our last conversation kick me in the heart, I don't buy you don't care, I showed you more of the world than anyone. You were in love with me and I still love you. I shouldn't, really shouldn't but I do. You have a life now, though I doubt it's better than the freedom to be yourself that I gave you. I hope that confidence isn't gone, I worked so hard to put you together when few others were willing.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shattered

-
He was lucid today, at least for a little while, pieces of him shining through. I could smile to know somewhere insiade all that darkness he's still there. Then it comes to a realisation that whatever is left of him, is drowning slowly. I have cried every night for the last 2 weeks, had to watch him suffer, trapped inside whatever nightmare he's in. It's funny he was always afraid of letting that darkness free, letting the nightmare he worked so hard to keep under wraps. And now, now my little one you've become his nightmare, it's you that hunts him, I read his reports. Partly because it's my job, largerly because I care for this guy so fucking deeply I'm ashamed of what I'VE done to him. I started this chain reaction. But there's always one constant as he twists and turns during the night, cries in his sleep, screams in pain, it's your name he's crying out. You are the one hunting him now. And I put you on that path, I created his bigges...
Read more

Why Would You

-
He put the world on the line for you, and you stab him through the heart? I don't get it. I thought you love him? Thought you wanted to see the dark within and to help him thrive? It was strange to watch, a man who had lost everything, his whole world ripped from him, and honestly because of you. But he didn't care he just wanted you, I watched the two sides evolve and the grey fade away. You took the pieces and put them together. You made him work, the darkness grew but instead of it poisoning him like before, being tucked away and hidden, you let it thrive, gave it life to and made him whole in a way I've not seen. He was happy, and ready to face the world. One act, one choice and everything you built you tore away and buried. It wasn't slow like before watching him fall apart piece but a sudden instant collapse. You should have put that knife across his throat and took his life, it would have been more humane than the tortured shattered shell of what exists in hi...
Read more

You Woke It Up

-
Do you know what the hardest part of my job is? Holding yourselkf together, despite what the residents will say, or do. Keeping yourself focused on their recovery. Its an outlet for them, a way to deal with their own demons. But never in 17 years have I ever cracked under their words. Until today! We ended up having to restrain our mutaul friend, he managed to rip out some of the stitches, and lost blood. But what happened after we had him restrained for his own safety, that I'll never forget, watching those tormented eyes focus, shift and something inside shifted. I always laughed when he used to say you can't kill what's already dead. Now I know how he survived those suicide attempts in 2006, he wasn't joking. You see he always said there was a part of him, locked so deep down even the demon was afraid of what existed there, today it got free, a name I've heard before Hunter Silverblood. Until today I thought you were coldest person I'd ever met, you broke...
Read more